The Jon Blog

No, Mom, You Didn't Wake Me...

Don't you hate when you're jerking off and the phone rings and even though you're jerking off you decide to answer the phone... and it's your mom?

And It Isn't Mine At All...

Ever been in this situation:

There's a promotion about to happen at work, and you want it with all your heart and soul but you know that politically you're not the right choice to get it, and you really understand that? Then they announce who got the promotion and of course it's not you, and even though you already knew that you had no shot at it you get really depressed and almost start to cry?

If so, then you understand my yesterday.

I Dreamed A Dream

I have never fantastized myself to be a cartoonist, but last night I had an idea for a political cartoon - you know, the kind on the Op-Ed page of a newspaper - and it came to me in a dream.

The cartoon is a drawing of a trendy velvet-roped nightclub. And George W. Bush is the doorman. One the one side is a long line of people waiting to get into the club. They are average Americans. (I think that the opening of the Statue of Liberty poem is written on them - "Your tired, your poor, etc...")

Cutting into line to get into the club is an Iraqi with a barrel of oil and a corporate baron with a dividend check.

I guess it looked better in my dream, but at any rate, it proves to you, gentle reader, what a stark-raving liberal I am.

Lucky For Me...

Thankfully, I don't have the kind of blog where I have to comment on all the upheaval and bullshit at the New York Times. We'll just leave that to the blogs that give a damn.

Six Degrees of TiVo

As you know, gentle readers, I have been spending far too much time with my TiVo as of late. I have noticed a lot of different things about television, ranging from how often you see the same actors in different shows:

Thomas Gibson (Greg on "Dharma and Greg") had a cameo on "Caroline in the City" (which stars one of my future ex-husbands, Andy Lauer. Mmm.)
Jane Kaczmarek (the mom on "Malcolm in the Middle") was Ira's crazy fiancee on "Cybill"
Peter Krause has had three roles on wonderful TV shows: he was Kevin (Cybill's son-in-law) on "Cybill," Casey McCall on "SportsNight," and of course is now Nate Fisher on "Six Feet Under." He too is on my list of future ex-husbands, although that doesn't have all that much to do with my TiVo.

Then of course, there are the fabulous Broadway types who have sold out to TV, such as:

Malcolm Gets on "Caroline in the City," (another future ex?)
Blythe Danner as Will's mom on "Will & Grace,"
Jane Krakowski on "Ally McBeal"

And that's before we start on stupid shit like "Mister Sterling" with the fabulous Audra McDonald.

But my truest revelation learned from TiVo is a very deep, revolutionary new theory I am developing about "Will & Grace." I am actually contemplating a doctoral thesis on this idea.

Are you ready?

"Will & Grace" is a gay adaptation of "Seinfeld." Each of the principal characters from "W&G" has a Seinfeldian equivalent.

Will = Jerry Seinfeld
Grace = a non-bald version of George Costanza (with smaller tits)
Jack = Elaine
Karen = Kramer (with bigger tits)
and Rosario? Rosario = Newman, of course.
"W&G" handles Stan in a similar way to how "Seinfeld" deals with Steinbrenner: Never seen, always discussed.

Even Will and Grace's realationships with their parents are similar to George and Jerry's. Watch a couple of episodes of both, and tell me I'm wrong. You can't, can you? You just can't. And everyone (except Karen) has an apartment that, à la "Friends," is a primo example of living beyond their means.

In other news, I need to get out more.

If I Link It, You Will Go.

Amsterdam is changing its smoking laws. You will no longer be able to smoke pot in their coffee shops. Nope, you'll have to step outside with that joint, sir.

Why you're, you're made entirely of tin!

Once again, The Tin Man has created a blog entry which has humbled me; he writes so well and really has something deep to say.

Unlike my random ramblings on teacups and TiVo.

Coffee Tea in a Cardboard China Cup

Remember when I decided what the secret to a proper cup of tea was? Well, I was a little bit lazy in getting the final ingredient to the tea equation, but yesterday's lust-inducing trip to Williams Sonoma resulted, aside from my new crush, in owning the tea strainer I needed in order to be able to brew a proper pot of tea.

So tonight I finally did. And I have to tell you, a proper cup of tea is really quite a lovely thing. Although if I'd had milk in the house, that might have been a bit on the lovelier side, but the Mallorcan honey I brought back from my spring biking trip was rather an attractive addition.

Excuse me, I have to pee now.

The Simple Things

It's amazing how very simple, seemingly minor things can actually make you really happy (at least, when you're a fag like me).

I got some new shampoo Sunday after my bike ride, even though I still had a little left in the old bottle. (I needed a new thing of hair styling goop, and the shampoo was right near it and sort of called me... and the current one was running low, so it's justifiable, right?)

So I started using the new shampoo, and it was just such a joy. It smells great, it lathers up really nicely, and my hair feels cleaner than it did with the old stuff. Anybody want a mostly used bottle of it?

In other news, I stopped by the Williams Sonoma store on 59th Street. I am officially in love with the salesboy who helped me today. He was wearing the cutest orange shirt. I will have now have to spend all my spare money at Williams Sonoma. Damn it.

Why I Love The New York Times

There are two articles in today's Times that really made me remember what I enjoy about the paper, in spite of all the insipid news about the antics of our President, war, bombings, stupid people, Jayson Blair, and so forth.

Jesse Green inverviewing Lonny Price on the failure of "Urban Cowboy",

and

Manuela Hoelterhoff on ChevronTexaco ending their support of the Metropolitan Opera radio broadcast.

Now that is journalism.

Irony is Alive and Well and Living on the Upper East Side (Like Me)

Dog Bites Cat Food Company CEO.

I Guess It's a Slow News Day...

A DJ on a harbor cruise planted a spycam, initially thought to be a bomb, in the unisex bathroom, causing the bomb squad to board the ship. But the oddest detail in the article is the song that was playing for the dancing New Jerseyian Accountants when the not-bomb-cam was discovered?

Yes, you're right. The Macarena.

From the World of Fucked Up Links

Via The Morning News, here is what appears to be a legitimate science project from some fucked-up folks at MIT. It's an interactive urinal, yes sir, and your pee-stream is used to control a video game.

Not to worry, ladies, they've rigged up a strap-on (never did I ever imagine that I would read the words "strap-on dildo harnesses" on a major university website, but today was my lucky day, I guess) so that you can try it out, too. And so that they can have PG-rated photos of guys playing the p-game, too. I guess it brings new meaning to the term... P-station.

Something to Blog About

So lately my life hasn't been very exciting, which is sort of fine with me. I've been eating good food, going for the occasional bike ride, working a lot, seeing cool people at work, and having not so much of a social life. In fact, the only two telephone calls in my life today (my day off from work) were 1) ordering out for lunch and 2) the telemarketer from the Metropolitan Opera wanting my money, as if they haven't already got enough of it.

Obviously, the social life is the part I most want to change... Well, that and the sex life, too. I haven't had sex in over a month, and I don't even remember the last time I had sex with someone I knew and liked. 5 or 6 months, I think. The one upside of this is that I've been learning all sorts of things about the wonderful world of Internet Porn. There's one site where you can watch streaming feeds of 'mainstream' porn videos. Yay for that!

I've also been spending a bit too much time with my TiVo. I never imagined how many reruns of "The Golden Girls" air each day. Luckily, there are daily reruns of "Will & Grace," too.

My life seems to have more structure on the days when I'm working. The downside of the structure to the days of work is that I hate going out after work, when I get out at midnight. Finally, though, after almost 5 years at the job, there is a (teeny) chance that something might change. My boss is retiring next month which may lead to some sort of a change in the organization of the department. I doubt it will change my schedule very much, but there is an outside chance, so I can at least keep my hopes up for that (until it doesn't happen, that is...) Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Let's Play "Caption That Photo"!

"Soothing Mad Cow Concerns
Prime Minister Jean Chretien of Canada ate a prime Alberta steak in a downtown Ottawa restaurant today in a bid to allay public fears over mad cow disease."

But I think this photo needs a better caption.

"Don't choke, bloke."
or
"Is he really gonna swallow that?"

(On a totally non-related topic, I have to confess that I'm very proud of myself for figuring out how to create a table in html which lets this text wrap around this rather frightening photo. It took a couple hours and a few tuna melts of practice last night, but now I've put my new-found skills to good use. Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

Any suggestions from you, my loyal readers?

Thank God for Omniscience

I'm very glad I had the foresight to click "shift-delete" when I, too, received the email described here.

Fame! I'm Gonna Live Forever!

Remember when I got quoted in Gawker?

Well, my submission was one of the quotes that made it into this New York Times article featuring Elizabeth, Gawker's author-inventor, and it mentions other fabulous NYC Bloggers including the lovely (I know, I met him) and talented Choire Sicha.

Now why did I not ask Elizabeth to give me credit for the idea!?!? I could be getting 30,000 hits a day, too! Oh wait, I'd have to be funnier than Elizabeth to do that, and we all know that's not gonna happen.

The Mistakes We Make

Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of my doing the Montauk Century bike ride. This is a 150 mile ride from Manhattan to Montauk, at the far end of Long Island. When I did that ride last year, I was in tip-top shape; I'd had a really productive spring as far as bike training had gone, and was just generally really strong.

Sadly, somehow I spent the time between then and now getting out of shape, fat and lazy. And given the fact that it was the one-year anniversary, it was a great day to contemplate that fact.

One culprit is the weather - it was too yucky to get out and do a lot of biking. Then again, I could have gone to spinning classes in the gym, and run on the treadmill, or hunkered down, put on a lot of layers, and gone biking in the cold.

But the bigger culprit was the fact that I was burned out and depressed. Not fun, but now I'm depressed about the fact that I was depressed. Is that a Catch-22 or a vicious circle? I know it's a sad example of cause and effect.

The other effect that it's had is to cancel my summer vacation plans. I don't know if I mentioned or not, I was planning to go biking in the Alps of France this summer, be around the Tour de France, all that good stuff. But I know I'm not in shape for it, so I got my money back (except for the non-refundable deposit part). I'm sad about that, too, but relieved, because there's no way I could have been ready in time. Maybe next year.

But now I have to figure out something else for my summer vacation. I may go back to the family home in Ohio for a bit. A family friend is getting married, and I have been invited (though she was always my sister's friend more than mine, so I found it odd to be invited to her wedding, but it should be a nice wedding, so why not?)...

Oooh, Give Me Some of Those

Yeah, baby!

Do Not Try This at Home

So I came home tonight after work and a nice little stop at my neighborhood late night sushi place, and decided to look for something on my bookshelf. Mind you, this is the bookshelf where I keep my cookbooks, and it's right across a (very narrow) hallway from my kitchen.

And since I never cook, I sometimes "store" things on top of my stove, and indeed, I had left a box there that I meant to take down to the trash but had not yet gotten around to so doing.

Well, wouldn't you know that the stragetically located bookcase search ended up causing my ass to be right next to the knob for one of the burners on the stove. And wouldn't you know it, said ass and said knob made contact, resulting in the gas burner coming on and igniting said cardboard box ontop of said stove.

And just to make life more fun, when I decided to grab the fire extinguisher which lived on top of the fridge, it decided that it didn't feel like expelling its fire retardant goo onto said flames. So I had to throw water on it from the sink. Luckily, it was a mild enough fire that it was no big deal, aside from a minor stink now pervading my apartment, and the fact that I had to relight my pilot lights which at this point seem not very happy.

I guess, however, I should be relieved that I don't have to clean fire extinguisher goo from all over my stove. And I get to replace my old colander, which I hated, because it was also being "stored" on top of the stove and, being plastic, partially melted in the inferno. Always look on the bright side!

And hey, if you're going to have a fire in your apartment, a small one that doesn't wake the neighbors or require the firemen to come visit is probably the fire you want to have.

Back to Work

So I was off the past two days. I was supposed to do one thing. (Well, not just one thing, but there was one important thing I was supposed to do.) Laundry. I didn't get it done. Argh, I'm such a horrible person.

Because I Love to Share Deranged Links

Which is stranger? The fact that this website exists? Or that it has over 4,000,000 hits?

(In case you don't feel like going to the link, it's a personal site of a 49 year old "Peter Pan." He's 49, living in Florida, and he created his site so that Tinkerbell would have an easier time to find him. I'm rather disturbed. And of course, the bible quotes and charity links all over the site don't do much to help...)

Reload This!

So I went to the movies last night, as advertised, and saw The Matrix Reloaded.

What I will tell you first is that there is a fundamental difference between the first one and the new one. The Matrix #1 was a radically different movie, at least for a mainstream movie, because it presented this whole new alternative reality; it had a really deep philosophical idea at its core. You really felt like the filmmakers had something to say. And at the same time, they threw in some really cool special effects just to make the journey even cooler.

The Matrix #2 is all FX and no ideas.

Yes, it has got some of the coolest special effects you will see, but in my mind, it was about as disappointing as "Star Wars - Attack of the Clones." It was FX, FX, FX, when it should have been story, idea, story. Sure, there was some story but not enough. And most of the effects and fight sequences therefore seemed... gratuitous. It just felt like another conventional big budget Hollywood sci-fi epic.

That said, I don't think I have ever witnessed a cooler on-screen car chase scene. Ever.

Keanu still can't act, but the character of Neo is designed so that this is not really a drawback. But they do show his butt! That was nice. And Carrie-Ann Moss looks incredibly hot in her black patent-whatever-it-is bodysuit.

The car chase was the best FX scene in the movie. A lot of the other FX, in my mind, really looked computer generated. It was obvious animation (not that you didn't know it already); it almost had the look of video game more than movie. Especially the fight scene between Neo and the 100 Mr. Smiths. And what was up with Neo flying Superman style? That was strange.

What little plot there is has been based on the idea of choice. We choose our own paths. Or do we? Every time Neo is confronted with a choice, there is someone else there to say, "This is your choice. A or B. But it's already been determined which one you'll take. You already know." Or something to that effect. That really seems to be the main philosophical intrigue. Of course, we also find out more about the Matrix when we meet The Architect, and of course it turns out that the Matrix is not quite what we thought it was. But will anything be as cool as Morpheus offering Neo the Red or Blue pill in the first movie?

But it will still make enough money to solve the budget crisis of a small state because, well, it's Hollywood and that's how it works.

On TiVo

As you may know, I got a TiVo this weekend. And for a time, it was incredibly awesome. It's great to be able to decide in advance the shows you want to watch, then come home and watch them.

But I was just in the middle of a "Designing Women" rerun (yes, I'm a fag. Fuck off.) and the system decided it was time to restart. Now, it says in the paperwork that comes with TiVo that it will do this at a time when you're not likely to be watching TV. Except I was in the middle of watching a fucking show. Should it not have known that I wanted to know what Charlene was going to do next? Instead, I now have this message:

"Updating Database. This will take a long time."

on my television screen. I am hoping that when said long time is over, that there is a preferences part where I can tell it what time would be OK, in my little world, for it to regularly go through this Database Updating.

Because when it works, it's great. But this is not even the first problem I had with it today. I went out to the movies (I will blog about that soon enough), and the TiVo was supposed to record "South Park." But it somehow was not able to. In fact, it missed three or four of the programs it was supposed to record this evening. "Sex in the City," a rerun of "Will & Grace," and more. So I'm pissed about that. But I guess it means I'll have more time to sleep...

Because I Love Strange News

I will give you the link to this article about a strange Japanese cult which, among other things, only eats instant noodles.

Commander in What?

So George W. Bush said that he would exact revenge on the folks who bombed wherever they bombed today in Saudia Arabia.

Newsflash, Georgie: They're suicide bombers. They're dead.

In other news, I need to get laid more often.

This Scares me

To be honest, I really do not like the idea of genetically modified food, and I can't say that I blame the EU for not wanting to import modified food. "They" say that it's safe, but I am not so sure that I agree. And I think it's the kind of situation that could take a lot longer than however long they've been growing GM-food to really know what the long term effects of it are. I mean, nature developed a fine system, but it entails working to make your crops grow. And quite honestly, I agree (at least in principle) with the bunk that says that our bodies were not even designed for an agrarian lifestyle. If you look at the history of humankind, you find that obesity didn't become an issue until we stopped being hunter-gatherers and became agrarian.

Remember so many Renaissance paintings? Rubens' ideal feminine form was "festively plump." The inferred meaning of that, as I recall from my art history classes at University, was that a plump woman generally did not have to spend time laboring, she was free to eat and gain weight and so forth.

Of course, these standards all changed with the industrial revolution, and American's weight did especially, but the other thing that really hurt us, I think (and no, I don't really have that deep of a scientific knowledge of nutritition but I know my own body and my own history with my weight and diet experience), is the advent of processed food with trans-fats. (So it was rather ironic to read this article about a man who's sueing to ban Oreo cookies because they contain trans-fats)

Notice, though, that obesity is so much more of a problem in America than it is in Europe. Having spent 3 weeks this year in Europe, I can tell you from first hand experience, there are less fat people in Europe than there are in the States. They eat a more natural diet - less ultra-processed foods, and they also spend more time walking and just... living, than the average American does.

But for some reason, GWB (the guy in the White House, not the Bridge to New Jersey) seems to want to impose the American Way on the rest of the world. I say, what they got ain't broke. And if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

And we're supposed to listen to you, anyhow, Mr. I-Don't-Think-We-Really-Need-The-Kyoto-Treaty-To-Help-Curb-Global-Warming-But-We-Should-Destroy-Wildlife-To-Drill-For-Oil-In-The-Pristine-Arctic-Rather-Than-Investigate-Alternative-Fuel-Sources-Because-The-Auto-Gas-And-Oil-Industries-Have-Such-A-Strong-Lobby-In-My-World President.

Oy. I think I'll go pander to rich people at the hotel. But I'm going to have an organic lunch on the way.

Andrew Jackson Looks Perturbed

So, they've redesigned the $20 bill.

Doesn't it just look like someone ran it through the dryer already?

Lets Go To the Movies!

Well, I bought a ticket to see "The Matrix Reloaded" on Wednesday evening! If you want to make it a Jon Blog party, well, show up at the 10:40pm showing at the AMC Empire 25 on Wednesday evening. And look for me! I may stop by Angus McIndoe for dinner and/or drinks beforehand.

And for the related "Matrix" poll, should I or should I not re-watch my "Matrix" DVD before I go Wednesday night? Post your reasons in the comments!

But everyone else did!

So here are my "100 Things..."

One Hundred Interesting Things I Have Done
By Jon

1: Graduated from College
2: Had the same job for almost 5 years
3: Worked in at least six totally unrelated fields
4: Been in 42 of the 50 states
5: Ridden a bicycle in 10 of the 50 states
6: Ran a marathon
7: Carved fruit from Styrofoam
8: Sung in a foreign language in front of more than a hundred people
9: Met Dr. Ruth Westheimer, who told my boss I deserved a raise
10: Sat on Michael Jackson’s lap as a 12 year old
11: Had vaginal intercourse. Once. Well, a few times in one night?
12: Performed in a Shakespeare play
13: Been paid to play the piano
14: Had sex outdoors in a state park
15: Had a backstage tour of “The Phantom of the Opera”
16: Ridden my bike 150 miles in one day
17: Been in 15 countries besides the United States
18: Lived on the East and West Coasts of the United States
19: Seen Donna McKechnie in “A Chorus Line”
20: Gone on a Caribbean cruise
21: Worked a 40 hour “work week” in less than 48 hours
22: Sewn a dress from a pattern
23: Made a soufflé that didn’t collapse
24: Painted a half-way decent oil painting
25: Visited most of the major museums in the world
26: Seen performances at three of the world’s major opera houses
27: Fallen asleep at one of the world’s major opera houses
28: Visited Russia when it was still Soviet
29: Been on television
30: Done drag
31: Had an intelligent conversation with an adult film star
32: Hired an escort
33: Been ripped off by said escort
34: Had an online communication with an author because I liked his book
35: Ate a dinner that cost over $500. By myself.
36: Had sex with someone who was in a Broadway show.
37: Had sex with someone who was in the Army
38: Walked on the beach of Cape Cod at sunset
39: Eaten fish that had been caught that same day
40: Eaten an apple right from the tree
41: Gone to a Broadway show by myself
42: Driven a car in Manhattan
43: Been to Disneyworld
44: Ridden a horse
45: Witnessed religious ceremonies from at least 3 different faiths
46: Decided I have no interest in any of them
47: Visited the inside of the White House
48: Voted in an election for the President of the United States
49: Voted for a candidate who lost the presidency of the United States
50: Edited my high school year book
51: Sung in a choir accompanied by a full orchestra
52: Played the drums for a live theatrical performance, even though I have no training
53: Eaten alligator meat
54: Snorkeled right above a manta ray
55: Killed an insect
56: Maintained an aquarium
57: Been to the top of the Empire State Building
58: Stayed up all night just to watch the sun rise
59: Stayed up all night to work on a project
60: Worked with a professional opera company
61: Tried more than one illegal drug
62: Talked to my mother on the phone while I was naked
63: Had sex with more than one guy in a 24 hour period
64: Taken a “professional” voice lesson
65: Smelled the smoke from the burning WTC Towers
66: Gotten so drunk I vomited
67: Ridden a roller coaster
68: Been backstage at an Elton John concert
69: Sat in the front row of more than one Broadway show
70: Gone to a nude beach
71: Gone to an orgy
72: Been in Times Square at Midnight on New Year’s Eve
73: Seen the same Broadway show on tour and on Broadway
74: Finished the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle
75: Bought a CD only to realize that I already owned it when I got home
76: Kept the CD anyhow
77: Seen someone die in a car accident
78: Eaten raw fish
79: Taken Prozac
80: Been to the top of the Gateway Arch in St. Louis, MO
81: Been to a professional baseball game
82: Been given an extra $100 bill by the bank teller and not telling her
83: Bounced a check
84: Signed leases for 6 different apartments in 3 states and one Canadian province
85: Intentionally left no tip for a waiter because he was incompetent
86: Driven a car across the entire United States
87: Survived mononucleosis
88: Written a letter to a mayor
89: Written an email to a Senator
90: Spanked someone
91: Raised money for charity
92: Told a lie
93: Told a lie to someone I loved
94: Been dumped by someone I was planning to dump
95: Purchased pornography on the internet
96: Read all four Harry Potter books
97: Gone to a children’s movie as an adult – by myself
98: Been in a ménage a trios
99: Been in a bisexual ménage a trios
100: Started a blog

OK, Here's a Stupid Question

Why does weather.com say that it's "fair" and that there's only a 10% chance of rain when, right there on the doppler weather radar, there's a big ole rainstorm comin' right this way?

I am so sick of stupidity, and you see it so many places.

Like the Broadway message board I sometimes post at (which doesn't need to be linked here). Everyone is a huge debate about the Tony Awards. They're going crazy about Michael Riedel's Tony predictions in today's New York Post. He makes a joke about Bernadette Peter's recent absences from Gypsy due to whatever strange ailments she's had, and says that perhaps her understudy, Maureen Moore, should be eligible for Tony consideration. (This was actually a joke that I had made the day before seeing it in his article, thank you kindly!) Now, the riff-raff on the board are taking this as Bernadette-slamming, which has been known to be a favored sport of Mr. Riedel. But it's just a joke. People need to get over it.

Stupidity.

I was at Borders Book Shop yesterday, and it's amazing some of the trash that they put on the shelves there. George Clooney's biography. It's an actual book, people. I can't figure out what they put in there that took up 300 pages. "I got drunk after we wrapped on 'ER' today" is only 9 words. I just think that the whole concept of celebrity the media's love affair with celebrity is wrong. I mean, the man's an actor. He spends a lot of his time at the gym. So what? He's 42 years old. I guess I just have a hard time with the concept of biographies on people who aren't dead yet. (Obviously, autobiographies are a different story, but people usually wait until they've done something besides a sitcom or a couple movies to write those). Oh well, at least I found out that they're going to put together a sequel to "Ocean's Eleven." Ocean's Twelve.

And yet the stuff that really matters never gets talked about. I was im'ing my sister yesterday, and I asked how she was.

"Sad."

"What's the matter?"

"One of my best clients was found murdered, and they just arrested her boyfriend."

In order to try and cheer her up, I told her I hoped that they put the boyfriend in a prison cell with a 350 pound black man named Bertha, who makes said boyfriend his bitch.

That's the kind of stuff that makes a difference, I tell ya.

Anyhow...

After he referred to a gay bar as a "sausage carnival," Paul Katcher is out of the running for our Token Straight Blog Link.

Oh well. We don't need them anyhow. Think of what straight men have done for the world - folks like George W. Bush or Carrot Top.

'Nuff said.

From the annals of Newsy Links

We bring you proof that technology can be used for good.

Wanted: A Straight Man

Well, I had a space for my "Token Straight Guy" in my links on the right. But I have been sent a "Cease and Desist" email from IA, warning me that his blog is now defunt (it truly is! He appears to have deleted all the entries!), and that I must remove my link to his now dead blog.

So I am accepting applications from straight men for the spot.

The current front runner is Paul Katcher. He's a little too much about sports and titty bars, but he sees the world from a refreshing (albeit straight) point of view. But perhaps that's the point of a token straight man?

What do y'all think?

(I lived in Texas for 7 years. I'm allowed to say "y'all." Bite me!)

Never Answer The Phone On Your Day Off

Shit.

And I was really looking forward to that (free!) sunset harbor dinner cruise.

Fuck.

A Sad Day in Blogland

One of my favorite blogs, Attorneys Suck (see the link at your right), announced in today's post that he would hereby cease blogging. I sincerely hope that he was joking, as his blog was always very entertaining. The fact that he posted a link to some self pics (which included a very cute shirtless pic!) was only the icing on the cake. IA, you will be missed, if you really do stop blogging!

And Michael of Very Opinionated has redesigned his site. I have not yet formed my opnion on the redesign.

In other news, I am very tired. I put in 2.5 extra hours at work, then spent a little time there socializing with the night crew, which meant I didn't get out of there until past 3am. Ugh. But I had a very productive day, which I feel really good about. I helped a lot of people and got a lot of behind-the-scenes type work done, too. I just hope my boss appreciates it!

Un Balo in Maschera

So I know that many of my faithful readers have been anxiously awaiting the reports on the masked ball. Well, at least Nina was enthuastic!

So after a fun day at work (No, I really mean it - the 7am to 4pm shift kicks ass compared to the 3pm to midnight shift), I got my hair cut (yes, I look ravishing), put on my tux and my boutonierre, and got into a taxi. Sadly, this will be the final use for that tux shirt. It has some strange stains that don't seem to be coming out. Plus it has this annoying feature of not working well with my stud set -- the button holes in the shirt are too big for the studs. I have to tape them on the back so that they don't fall out, and they popped open from the front a few times last night, too.

I arrived at the venue just in time for a mojito to be thrust into my waiting hand. Yummy. Passed hors d'oeuvres and an appetizer table were delish.

Everyone looked fantastic in their masks. There were a lot of Venetian style masks, and everyone made fun of the guys who had masks with big phallic noses on them. Now, I have long enjoyed the beauty of masks, but I don't think I've worn one since Halloween some years ago. And it's quite different to go trick-or-treating than it is to try and drink cocktails while wearing a mask. Or walking up stairs. Basically, when you have the damn thing on, your peripheral vision is all shot to hell. Plus, at a party where you only know about half the people, and with no peripheral vision, and everyone wearing a mask, you have no fucking clue who so many of the people are. I recognized some people, started to give them hugs, and they were like, wait, who the fuck ARE you!?!? Then they realized it was me, and recoiled in terror passionately hugged me back. Dinner was your typical black tie party over-cooked filet mignon.

But the first highlight of the evening was our entertainment. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have two cast members from the Broadway hit 'Nine' with us tonight. Our first guest is Ms. Mary Beth Peil. As she started to sing the show's title song, speculation ran rampant throughout the crowd, which was mostly female and gay. Would Antonio be there? Of course, I was overjoyed when the next guest entered, sans her customary sheath of white silk, but Jane Krakowski's "A Call From The Vatican" was stunning even when she was wearing pants and holding a microphone in her hand. And no, she did not perform any lewd gestures with the mike. But she sang the hell out of the song. Anticlimactically, she was followed by cast members from "The Look of Love." The songs were fine, but seemed much better suited for use, well, as accompaniement to a dinner party than as fodder for a Broadway show. Of course, we all sort of sang along on "Say A Little Prayer." Because how can you not sing along with a lyric about "The moment I wake up/Before I put on my makeup..."

Anyhow, they had some awards (which I did not win) and some prizes -- a $1500 shopping spree at Bloomingdale's and round trip Club World tickets for Two on British Airways -- (which I did not win) and after dessert, there was dancing, of course.

It was a lot of fun, overall, but I was not unhappy to come home and fall into bed and sleep for about 10 hours.

And now I get to go back to work for more fun and games. Sadly, on the 3-12 shift.

Forgive Me, Daddy, For I Have Sinned

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Sadly, this only reflects on activities over my entire life. If you rated me over the last couple weeks, well, I'd probably be level one. Bleah.

More from the Annals of Fucked Up News

Aren't you glad this didn't happen to anyone YOU know?

ZZZzzzzzzzzzzz

OK, so last night I was supposed to get out of work at 9pm. But a guest said, "Oh, I have this sort document that needs to be typed. Maybe 3 or 4 pages." I told him that I could do it for him.

Turns out it was a 6 page, complicated legal brief, with formatting and tabs and so on and so forth. I got home at about 12:30am. I have to be back at work at 7am so that I can be free to put on my tux and go to the masked ball which is tonight at 6pm. I won't need a mask at this rate. I can just go as a zombie.

Carl is Gay

DEAR ABBY: I have a crush on "Carl," a guy in one of my classes. My problem is, I can't get him to notice me. We are totally alike but he hasn't yet realized it, and he isn't giving me the attention I'd like.
Abby, I have done everything I can think of to get Carl to look my way. I even wore a T-shirt with his name on it, and dyed my blond hair his favorite color (blue). What should I do now? -- WANTS HIM BAD IN ARIZONA

DEAR WANTS: You've already done enough. I'm sure he's noticed you, but now it's time to step back, be a little less flamboyant -- and let Carl do the pursuing.

[The Jon Blog adds: Dear Wants: You dyed your hair blue for a guy? Get a life, bitch. They're SO not worth it. Especially the ones named Carl.]

From the annals of bizarre honors

The Jon Blog brings you this:

Asteroid # 26858 has been renamed in honor of Mister Rogers.

From the Annals of Fucked Up News

We bring you this. I always thought that surgery was in the "don't try this at home" category. But what do I know?

I don't usually do these quizzes but...

You, my friend, are Stephen Sondheim. You're our
new classic, the sort of composer who divides
theater fans straight down the middle with
complex plots and smart, wordy lyrics. Love you
or hate you, everyone acknowledges your talent
and you've written your share of modern
standards. (Some of) Your shows: "Sweeney
Todd," "Company," "Into the
Woods," "Sunday in the Park With
George,"...


What Broadway Composer (or Composer-Lyricist team) are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Thanks, Mike.

A Brilliant Idea?

My initial thinking is that this would just make tons and tons of sense. I mean, it makes no sense to me how so many of the important City decisions are in the hand of the governor. It's not really even like that in other states. Of course, like all good ideas, it'll never come to anything.

Snookums prefers the rubber Wall Street Journal to the rubber Washington Post

I was watching The Muppets Take Manhattan yesterday, and that quote was just too good to not use as a title for a blog entry. The runner up was "Tamika, how do you feel now that you've just learned that Tyrone is not little Izaiah's (sic) father?" In that case, we should probably quote Mrs. Shirley Q. Liquor who coined (or at least appropriated) the phrase "Who is my baby daddy?"

Anyhow, yesterday was one of those sit around and not do a whole hell of a lot days which I love to have every now and again. I took advantage of the lethargy by watching a lot of television, an unusual pastime for us here at The Jon Blog. I watched an episode and a half of Jerry Springer, most of which involved ugly fat people who I don't even want to imagine having sex, which is what they were complaining about other people doing when they should be doing it with them, and so on...; and an episode of Maury Povich. Maury is basically trying to be Jerry but he's not as smart as Springer is. Maury's episode yesterday was, in fact, cruel. He provided paternity testing for trashy women that weren't sure if he was the father or not. Including Tamika, who had already accused one guy; the guy on this episode was the second. And surprise, he's not the dad, either.

The worst part of the episode was this really cute couple who had a buck-toothed child who might be cute if it weren't for the teeth. They were "the exception to the rule" in the paternity testing episode, because they were afraid that he wasn't the dad. See, she had a one night stand right around the time of conception, but they really hoped he was the dad, because, well, they loved each other, and he loved the kid (who was now three years old) and so on. Well, they opened that envelope and it said, "No, he's not the daddy." And you promptly got to watch a grown man cry on television. Well, he was maybe 19 or 20? But still. It was basically cruel, because you were rooting for him to be the biological father, because it was clear that he had taken the role of the boy's father.

Yes, I get sucked in by brainless television. This is why I try to simply not turn the damn thing on, ever. But I kept watching it yesterday. Seinfeld, then a Comedy Central-fest, featuring two episodes of South Park. Note that their website is not, in fact, www.southpark.com which is the website of some mall. "South Park" is a hysterical show, and I was just laughing out loud, alone in my apartment, drinking a Frappuccino. Have you tried the new Chocolate Malt Creme Frappuccino? I like it a lot.

Anyhow, after "South Park," my gorgeous future husband, Brendan Fraser (and don't go telling me he's straight or married or any of that shit. I don't care) was a guest on some stupid talk show. Then they had my other future husband's show: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Jon is welcome here as a guest blogger/fiance/sex toy/man of my dreams. Actually, there's really only one potential problem to my marrying Jon Stewart: I hate those couples where they both have the same name. Plus, I don't want to have to register www.thejonandjonblog.com... I mean, registering one web domain is expensive enough!